Worst. Day. EVER! :( [OOC: Yes, she uses emoticons in personal diary entries.]
Worst WEEK, even. Month. EVERYTHING.
It’s YOUR FAULT, Matt Lancaster! I blame you!! You JERK, you call me from Phoenix to tell me you’re off to boot camp and we’re over and it was fun, bye-bye?! Do you know how much ice cream I’ve eaten since then? I couldn’t squeeze into my prom dress if I tried. NOT THAT I NEED TO ANYMORE! D:<
So first you, you make me a mess, sad and depressed and lonely, and then the caern… not that I could have ever really told you about that, Matt, you just thought I was in a wilderness club or whatever, but I was doing something IMPORTANT! Watching the Garou fight that ugly, bloated thing, and some people DIED. What were you doing, Matt?? Drinking? Cruising? :P
I didn’t even GO to that fight out at the mesa. I had nothing to do with it! I made some phone calls and I stayed home and watched romantic comedies on Netflix until I wanted to kill myself, and then I go to the sept to check on everybody and they’re a MESS. They fight like this all time, battling and struggling and getting torn apart by stuff you can’t even IMAGINE, you creep. And when there was nothing else I could do, I went for a run to try and clear my head, shake out the crap you left in there.
All this to say — these Garou that fight the battles I’m glad I don’t have to, all the horrible things that I’m grateful they keep at bay, these werewolves who are so scary and so awe-inspiring at the same time — and I’m one of them. O.o
And it’s your fault. I was supposed to be too old to change, and if I’d been able to be calmer, if you hadn’t flipped everything upside down… maybe it would have stayed dormant. But no. Those horrible things at the caern, all those spirits on the other side, all these terrifying Garou at the sept… I’m a part of it. I don’t want to be. Q.Q
I changed while RUNNING. And I kept RUNNING. All these others, they change and people die, something gets destroyed, it’s nasty and violent and it means they’re warriors. I ran across the desert and got tackled by a bobcat! What must they THINK of me??? :-O
It was OK when I was kin. It explained the dreams, it explained why I was so into sports when my friends wanted to stay home and play with dolls or watch TV. I was able to help, feel useful, feel part of this exciting secret society protecting the world without anyone knowing. I was protected and far away from the front lines.
That all changes now. Kiera says I might be better off leaving my parents, that they’re in danger and they can’t even know it. I can’t leave them! But what can I tell them? What will I do about school? I’m going to have to lie, much more than I ever have, and I don’t want to do it. I can’t tell my friends, either. Elise, Natalie and Jordan… they all think I’m super weird anyway for disappearing a couple weekends a month on my wilderness club. Especially when I tell them there’s no cute boys so they won’t want to go. But this is going to be worse. I’m going to be gone a LOT. And what if I get hurt? How will I explain that? :-/
I might have to drop out. Bye, friends, bye social life, bye college, bye photojournalism career! I might have to leave home. Bye, wonderful parents who took me in and took care of me! Bye room, bye all my stuff, bye holidays and vacations and everything that makes me ME!
And you know, whatever they make me do, whatever I feel about it, I can’t even complain. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t even hurt anybody. And all these new changes — some of them did. They were in battle, they lost someone, they did something they regret… they’ve all got it worse. I’m not the only one losing my life and I have to remember that. And I know, it’s an honor to be chosen to protect the Earth.
I just don’t want it. And the suckiest part is… I wish you were back here, Matt. I’m so mad at you, but I’d like you to be here so we can have a nice, normal argument with nice, normal heartbreak and drama, like nice, normal people.
I enjoyed being human, even when it hurt. What do I do now?